


people are dying (i close my blinds)

by orphan_account



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, also cw emetophobia, but i've added a note for you to skip it if you need to, cw for anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:29:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9170917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dirk knows that, realistically, being in a relationship with Todd will not “fix” him. He knows that mental health issues don't magically disappear when you find someone you love.-Anxiety catches up with Dirk on a night out with Todd.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you with emetophobia, skip the paragraph beginning "The beauty of the human mind-". I too have this phobia, and I'm challenging my anxieties by writing it in, but I don't want any of your enjoyments to be hindered.

Dirk knows that, realistically, being in a relationship with Todd will not “fix” him. He knows that the chance to make happy new memories will not replace and erase the painful, traumatic ones that impacts upon his daily life. He knows that mental health issues don’t just magically disappear when you find someone you love.

But he still can’t extinguish that spark of hope. They’ve known each other nearly a year now, and been dating for the past five months of it. Since their first date – a McDonalds, followed by drinks at a dive bar, ‘planned’ by Todd and completely perfect as far as Dirk is concerned – he’s not had a full-blown panic attack at all. There’s been nightmares, but nothing so obvious that he needs to explain it. He thinks he’s escaped.

So the first real episode since meeting Todd is almost a surprise, and certainly an unpleasant one.

They’re out for dinner, because even though it was technically Dirk’s turn to arrange date night, the pottery class he’d opted for last month was not well-received, and Todd has taken the initiative to arrange them himself from now on. It’s not an expensive place, but it’s sort of sweet, and they’re on their way home from a movie anyway. It’s fine. It’s nice. Until-

* * *

 

“-so do you think that chickens have genders, and if so, do you think they’re at all fussed about pronouns? I’d hate to have offended Clarabelle, but of course she – or they – can’t exactly say so.” Todd is watching him with a fond expression, and rubbing gentle circles across Dirk’s palm as the detective gestures enthusiastically with the other hand.

“I’m not sure, but you might wanna watch your gestures before you hit that-“

It’s too late, and an excitable flourish with his right hand knocks his empty pint glass to the floor. When it hits the floor, the glass shatters, and bits of it skid across the linoleum tiles. But the noise- The noise is what does it. It’s loud enough to make him startle, and images of smashed windows and gunshot wounds and CIA agents and _pain_ flicker across his vision for long enough for the panic to surge. His ears are thumping as blood rushes to his head, and he feels suddenly nauseous and light-headed all at once. He can see Todd’s lips moving, see the waitress heading over to clean up, but he can’t hear a single thing through the buzzing of his mind.

“If you’ll just excuse me for a moment-“

Dirk doesn’t wait for a response, just rises with surprising grace considering the circumstances - it would impress him at any other time – and strides across the room to the bathroom.

The façade drops the second he’s locked in a stall, and he falls to the floor, leaning against the door with a shaky breath and a choked-off sob.

In retrospect, it’s kind of amazing how something so tiny can trigger such a huge disturbance in his life, Dirk will think to himself later, when he’s safe and clear-headed. Who would have thought that a shattered glass could unleash a life-time of repressed memories? The human mind is truly a masterpiece.

But this is all in retrospect.

The beauty of the human mind is lost somewhat now that he is crumpled on a filthy bathroom floor, knees pulled flush to his chest, and tears rolling down his cheeks. Dirk knows he will regret this later, because it always makes his voice croaky and his throat sore, but he can’t think straight anyway with the churning in his stomach, so he shoves two fingers down the back of his throat and retches the evening meal into the toilet bowl. It’s a bit disappointing; he’d rather enjoyed that pasta. A waste of money, really. But also not really, because he’d shared it with Todd, and Todd hadn’t thrown it straight back up.

Todd is still outside, he knows. Dirk has lost track of how long he’s been sitting on the floor of this bathroom stall, but all he knows is he’s exhausted and wants to go home, but can’t quite bring himself to get up and go outside. He’s shivering now, teeth chattering violently. He just wants to go _home_ , but he can’t leave here- there’s so many people, any one of them could be an agent, ready to drug him and take him away, away from his home, his _friends_ -

His breath starts to leave him once more, and Dirk is dying, he’s DYING, on the floor of a dirty roadside restaurant where nobody knows he’s gone missing and nobody can help him because he’s choking to death, he’s drowning without any water, he’s going to die-

“Dirk?”

The doors in this bathroom are about six inches from the ground – useless in giving anybody privacy, but helpful for being able to see people’s shoes through the gap. In this case, Todd can’t see Dirk’s shoes, but instead the back of his jacket. He can hear, too, the gasping sounds, and recognises the panic attack for what it is.

“Dirk, it’s me, I’m just outside the stall. Can you let me in?”

Dirk can’t catch his breath, the panic dulls for a moment as he goes through his coping mechanisms, before returning with vicious intent, and the cycle starts over. “Can’t… locked.” He can’t get out much more than that.

On the other side of the door, Todd is nibbling his lip. He considers breaking the door down, but honestly? He’s not a large man, and it will result only in a bruised shoulder and potentially a damage bill he can’t afford. So instead, he drops to the floor, and slips a hand under the gap, palm upwards. If Dirk wants to take it, it’s there.

And Dirk does. He holds it like a lifeline, and slowly, tentatively, his breathing rate slows, and his head clears just slightly.

“Hey, Dirk?” Todd says after a moment. They’re still holding hands. “Can you stand? To unlock it? I can try and climb over the next one but I kinda don’t want to fall into a toilet on date night, you know?”

There’s a wet laugh from the behind the door. “Yes. Sorry.”

The door opens a few seconds later, and Todd smiles slightly. “I’ve paid and everything, so we’re ready to go when you want to. I’m guessing you’re exhausted, huh? I, uh… I always get so tired after an, ah, attack.”

Dirk clears his throat and nods, putting on a tentative smile. “Yes, I’m fairly tired out. A nap is in order, I think.” He made his way to the sink, washing his hands carefully. “I- Thank you, Todd.”

Todd puts a hand on his shoulder, and smiles. “Not a problem. Let’s go home.”

“That would be good,” Dirk gives a little smile, and heads to the door. He pauses, just for a second. “But wash your hands first.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing".
> 
> Hello, all. I hope you're having a fabulous New Year so far. I wanted to explore more about the lasting effects of childhood trauma and the shootings on Dirk, because it's important that we acknowledge Dirk is very unlikely to be a-okay. 
> 
> I genuinely do love getting feedback from you wonderful beans, it really helps me to develop confidence in my writing, and generally cheers me up. So thank you all for your comments and support elsewhere :) I can be found on [tumblr](http://hippocampers.tumblr.com/), so feel free to come and say hello. Lots of love and happy thoughts x


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